Premier League clockwatch – as it happened

4.57pm BST That's it from me folks Many thanks very much for all the emails, philosophy chat and tweets. The match reports will be in soon enough. See you soon. 4.57pm BST Full-time scores Fulham 3-0 West Brom Arsenal 6-1 Southampton Aston Villa 2-0 Swansea Man Utd 4-0 Wigan QPR 0-0 Chelsea Stoke 1-1 Man City 4.57pm BST Game over! Stoke 1-1 Man City 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Fulham 3-0 West Brom And if it weren't for Ben Foster in the West Brom net, it would probably be a lot more than three to Fulham. Sidwell does the honours this time. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Arsenal 6-1 Southampton Walcott. Not much else to say about that really. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Aston Villa 2-0 Swansea The crowd are roaring. The points are staying. Paul Lambert is probably smiling. That is another game over. Christian Benteke takes over from a short backpass to score on his Villa debut. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Man Utd 4-0 Wigan It's another debut goal at Old Trafford. This time it is Nick Powell's turn, and like the one from Büttner, it is an absolute belter of a strike, though al-Habsi hasn't covered himself in much glory today. 4.57pm BST Tackling is overrated, says the subject line in the email Shahrul Anaz is the one who reckons so. Not me. I like tackling. i errect statues to it once a year in Victoria Park before dancing anti-clockwise around it in 15-minute episodes every two hours. Anyway, here is what Shahrul has to say. Just like Goals are overrated, tackling is so overrated. United do not need a Keane or Incey. Are you sure? Even Barça tackle. 4.57pm BST Another miss! Oh Zamora! He has the easiest of chances to put QPR into the lead but he somehow manages to mess it all up and there is not much else to report from west London. 4.57pm BST Woooo hooo! My fellow Irishman @MiguelDelaney is at the Emirates and tells me that Gervinho has come off to a standing ovation. As he rightly points out, that can't have happened too often. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Arsenal 5-1 Southampton Ramsey drives into the box, pokes the ball towards the goal but it comes back off the post and Gervinho is there to poke the ball home for his second of the day. What a frustratingly erratic player he can be. By my calculations, that's 13 goals that Southampton have let in now. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Man Utd 3-0 Wigan He already has a debut assist and now he has a debut goal. Büttner caps a fine performance with a surging run down the flank and a fine enough finish to really put the game to bed. 4.57pm BST Mancini out! He has brought on Barry, yes that Barry, on for Tevez. Curious stuff. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Man Utd 2-0 Wigan Game over. Büttner (not Giggs!) smashes the ball across the box and Hernandez, who missed a peno earlier, pokes the ball home. He looked offside but replays show that ain't the case. Ah well, that was nice while it lasted. 4.57pm BST Nick Thompson is not worried Not one bit. Fletcher is nearly back, isn't he? Him and Jones would make it somewhat pointless to buy another player. I have to admit anyway, I like the idea of sticking with Cleverley and Carrick, I think that could work quite nice if it's allowed to gel. Who's going to do the tackling stuff though? 4.57pm BST The crowd are going wild in Stoke The reason? Michael Owen is warming up. 4.57pm BST Over in QPR OH Park! Hold your head in your hands. The former Man United man is found unmarked in the box but his header is weaker than a five-year old girl and it is aimed straight at Cech. Still goalless over there but Moses has just come on for Chelsea so you never know anyway. Did you read that Moses interview by the way? You should have. 4.57pm BST More simulacrum chat Patrick Murphy has this example. Think wallpaper made to look like wood paneling, which is itself a simulation of real wood. Think my granny had that type of wallpaper in her house. Horrible stuff. 4.57pm BST It ain't all good at Old Trafford though ... .. according to Samuel Scott-Moncrieff. Listening to the match at Old Trafford it sounds like the centre of United's midfield is more open than a barn door in a gale, flapping on its rusty hinges. Why oh Why oh Why has Fergie not bought a set of hardy tackling box to box barn doors? If anyone can provide an answer to this question, I will give you a free hug. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Man Utd 1-0 Wigan Some neat play from Manchester United finds Nani with the ball at his feet. He whips the ball into the box and al-Habsi, who has been a top, top, top, top, top player for Wigan so far this season, has a bit of a clanger. The ball arrives at the feet of Paul Scholes who pokes it home. 4.57pm BST Half-times changes at Fulham Lukaku and Brunt have come on for West Brom as Steve Clarke looks to get something from the game. He probably won't hold out too much hope as West Brom have not won there since 1967 Ramirez has also come on to make his debut for Southampton. Otherwise, no real major changes to report. 4.57pm BST Useless facts Two never-evers. Wigan have never scored a goal from open play at Old Trafford and Rob Mancini has never beaten Stoke. Both these nevers could well be broken this afternoon. 4.57pm BST Peeeeeeeeeep! The second stages are now underway. 4.57pm BST Another one for AB Alex Thorpe reckons he can muster up a better explanation of third stage simulacra. Here's what he has to say. A better example would be the characters from friends. They embody the unrealistic, perfect relationships people mistakenly believe to exist and aspire to have, a simulated ideal superseding and replacing a real world expectation. Football and French philosophy together at last. 4.57pm BST They couldn't, could they? Robin White thinks Southampton can. Ramirez to run riot on his debut with Mayuka also coming off the bench, Southampton pull level before losing to a late goal 5-4. You heard it here first. Hmmm. I'm not so sure. 4.57pm BST Half-time scores Arsenal 4-1 Southampton Aston Villa 1-0 Swansea Fulham 2-0 West Brom Man Utd 0-0 Wigan QPR 0-0 Chelsea Stoke 1-1 Man City. I'll be back in 5 after I grab a coffee. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Fulham 2-0 West Brom Berba has finished that cigarette and has stroked in a peno for Fulham. Lovely stuff from the Languidnator. Alex Kacaniklic was fouled by Billy Jones for the penalty by the way. In all that goal madness earlier, I forgot to mention that Odemwingie booted one Sascha Riether up the arse and thus got an early view dip in the team bath for his troubles. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Arsenal 4-1 ​Southampton Here. Comes. The. Comeback. 4.57pm BST AB are you still reading? Because Mario Rustan has an explanation of third stage simulacra for you. French philosophy is never easy to explain...so here goes. So the original good has lost and we see the copy as the original. An example I can think of is a picture of an actor playing Tinkerbell in Tokyo Disneyland. Western students think it's weird that a Japanese is supposed to represent an English fairy, while I said that for Japanese kids, since Tinkerbell is cute and friendly she must be Japanese, only blonde. But then again the Tinkerbell most of us have in mind is Disney's Americanised version. Mario says he doesn't have a beard. I do not believe him. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Arsenal 4-0 ​Southampton In the space of typing about the last two goals, Arsenal have got two more. Oh, Southampton . This is looking like it is going to be a long, long season for you boys. Gervinho got the first and Clyne has put it into his own net for Southampton's second own goal of the game. They could always do a Newcastle I suppose. They won't. But they could. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Stoke 1-1 Man City Come on now, this is getting ridiculous now. When is a guy going to get a break? Javi García has started to pay back the fee lashed out on him by Mancini by exploiting some poor marking from Stoke and heading City level. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Fulham 1-0 West Brom Berba (who else?) has stroked the ball into the net while smoking and reading Sartre at the same time. Lovely stuff form the ex-Man Utd man. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Arsenal 2-0 ​Southampton The Gunners get a free-kick just out side the box. Cazorla and Podolski have a bit of a chat about who should do the kicking thing. The German wins the argument and wins another goal for his side by bending the aforementioned ball around the wall and into the net. Two goals, two games. 4.57pm BST Penoooooo! Nope. Just messing with you. Eden Hazard goes down in the box under a challenge from Shaun Wright-Phillips. Andre Marriner says 'No way, Jose' but replays suggest that he may have called that one wrong. 4.57pm BST F-word warning! Cazorla is fucking magnificent #afc — sachin nakrani (@sachinnakrani) September 15, 2012 Our man Sachin is at the Arsenal game. Here's his well thought out, well spoken, articulate and eloquent verdict on Cazorla. 4.57pm BST Speaking of Crouchy Apparently, his goal should not have stood since he was doing the hand thing that is not allowed for a footballer unless you are a goalkeeper or taking a throw-in. Elsewhere in the country, Wigan have missed a good chance against Manchester United and Arsenal are still bossing Saints around the pitch. 4.57pm BST Crouchy's having his nachos Fancy a laugh? Have a listen to this then. 4.57pm BST Third stage simulacra AB has got their email on: hello mbm. what does stage three simulacra mean? i googled it but got lost quickly. don't forget to grow a beard before telling me. thanks I wish I were smart enough. Sorry, AB. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Aston Villa 1-0 Swansea Geez, can a guy get a break here? Villa swing a corner into the box but Swansea clear it. Unfortunately for them, it lands at the foot of Lowton who cracks it into the Swansea goal. A sweet strike that and his first for the club. 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Stoke 1-0 Man City Well, well. Crouch does like playing against Manchester City, doesn't he? He scored that wonder strike last season and he has now put his side into the lead against Roberto Mancini's side. Who needs Owen? 4.57pm BST Goal!!! Arsenal 1-0 ​Southampton What did I tell you about Arsenal? Well they have only gone and turned that control into a goal. Podolski gets the ball in the middle of the park, strives forward and knocks the ball out to Gibbs on the left. His cross is saved by Davis but his defender Hooiveld knocks the ball into the net for the first (own) goal of the afternoon. 4.57pm BST Over in the Emirates Gervinho is, rather oddly, playing down the middle. Nevertheless, Arsenal are still controlling the game with a fair bit of ease so far. Cazorla has just hammered one over when he should have done better. 4.57pm BST Penalty to Man Utd! Welbeck has only gone and done a ridiculous dive in the box over the Wigan keeper Al-Habsi and earned his side a rather undeserved peno. With Rooney out and RVP on the bench, Hernandez steps up and ... misses! Still goalless at Old Trafford. 4.57pm BST Booooooooo! The QPR fans are really getting stuck into the Chelsea lads. Few tough tackles already. This game has the potential to get tastier than mom's home cooking. 4.57pm BST Peeeeeeeep goes the whistles around the country Let's go. 4.57pm BST The QPR and Chelsea teams are in the tunnel ... ... they are on the pitch ... they are lined up for the shake ... and as expected, Ferdinand has skipped past Terry and Cole's outstretched hands. Looked like JT was trying to say something to Ferdinand there. Well, with that over, let's start thinking about the football shall we? Good. 4.57pm BST Nice touch this STOKE v CITY:'You'll Never Walk Alone' is played at the Britannia as a mark of respect to the 96 who lost their lives at Hillsborough #MCFC — Manchester City FC (@MCFC) September 15, 2012 4.57pm BST Welcome to west London By all accounts, Terry and Cole and Chelsea were greeted with the raising of fingers and boos upon their arrival at Loftus Road this afternoon. Those same boos are still ringing around the stadium as we type. Reports are that JT will go in for the handshake but Ferdinand is going to snub him. Not long now till we find out. 4.57pm BST Musical interlude 4.57pm BST So to summarise all that JT starts as does Ashley Cole and Anton Ferdinand. Julio Cesar starts (oh Rob!) as does Granero. For Man Utd RVP and Kagawa are riding the bench. Joining them there is De Gea with Lindegaard getting the nod from Sir Fergie. There is also no Evra, Buttner takes his place at left-back. Given is dropped for Villa (again!) and rightly so on his current form but Agbonlahoris on the bench. Mickey Owen will feel right at home at Stoke considering he too does not start. Woof. All very exciting. 4.57pm BST Fulham v West Bromwich Albion Fulham: Schwarz, Riise, Brede, Baird, Sidwell, Berbatov, Duff, Hughes, Rodellega, Riether, Kacaniklic. Subs: Stockdale, Kelly, Kasami, Karagounis, Briggs, Trotta and Smith. West Bromwich Albion: Foster; Jones, McAuley, Olsson, Ridgewell; Mulumbu, Yacob; Odemwingie, Morrison, Fortune; Long. Subs: Myhill (gk), Gera, Dorrans, Lukaku, Rosenberg, Dawson, Brunt. The man in the middle: Roger East 4.57pm BST Stoke City v Man City Stoke City: Begovic; Wilkinson, Shawcross (c), Huth, Wilson; Walters, Whelan, N'Zonzi, Adam, Kightly; Crouch. Subs: Sorensen, Cameron, Owen, Whitehead, Upson, Etherington, Jerome Man City: Hart; Maicon, Kompany, Lescott, Clichy; Garcia,Y Toure, Nasri; Tevez, Sinclair, Balotelli. Subs. Will have these in a moment. The man in the middle: Mark Clattenburg 4.57pm BST Arsenal v Southampton Arsenal: Szczesny, Jenkinson, Mertesacker, Vermaelen, Gibbs, Coquelin, Arteta, Cazorla, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Gervinho, Podolski. Subs: Koscielny, Santos, Giroud, Walcott, Ramsey, Arshavin, Mannone Southampton: K. Davis, Clyne, Fonte, Hooiveld, Fox, Ward-Prowse, Schneiderlin, S. Davis, Puncheon, Lambert, Lallana Subs: Gazzaniga (GK), Yoshida, Rodriguez, Ramírez, Richardson, Mayuka, Chaplow. The man in the middle: Kevin Friend 4.57pm BST Man Utd v Wigan Athletic Man Utd: Lindegaard; Rafael, Ferdinand, Vidic, Buttner; Nani, Carrick, Scholes, Giggs; Hernandez, Welbeck. Subs: De Gea, Evans, Valencia, van Persie, Cleverley, Powell, Kagawa Wigan Athletic: Al Habsi, Boyce, Caldwell, Figueroa, Ramis, Beausejour, McArthur, McCarthy, Maloney, Di Santo, Kone. Subs: Pollitt, Watson, Crusat, Jones, Gomez, Boselli, Miyaichi. The man in the middle: Michael Oliver 4.57pm BST Aston Villa v Swansea City Aston Villa: Guzan, Lowton, Vlaar, Clark, Lichaj, Holman, El Ahmadi, Ireland, Bannan, Weimann, Bent. Subs: Given, Bowery, Agbonlahor, N’Zogbia, Benteke, Westwood, Bennett Swansea City: Vorm, Rangel, Tate, Williams, Davies, Britton, DeGuzman, Michu, Routledge, Dyer, Graham. Subs: Pablo, Shechter, Moore, Ki, Agustien, Richards, Tremmel. The man in the middle: Lee Mason 4.57pm BST QPR v Chelsea QPR Cesar, Ferdinand, Park, Johnson, Wright-Phillips, Granero, Nelsen, Bosingwa, Da Silva, Zamora, Faurlin. Subs: Green, Cisse, Taarabt, Mackie, Onuoha, Dyer, Hoilett. Chelsea Cech, Ivanovic, Cole, Luiz, Ramires, Lampard, Torres, Mikel, Hazard, Terry, Bertrand. Subs: Turnbull, Romeu, Oscar, Moses, Sturridge, Cahill, Azpilicueta. The man in the middle: Andre Marriner 4.57pm BST Interesting-ish fact It was against Southampton that Ian Wright, Dennis Bergkamp and Thierry Henry all scored their first Premier League goals for Arsenal. Can Olivier Giroud do the same? 4.57pm BST MBM Elsewhere on the website, Jacob Steinberg is doing his MBM thing for Norwich v West Ham. The second half has just got under way and you can click here for some of that. 4.57pm BST Speaking of Stoke ... Our chief football writer, Daniel Taylor, is at the Britannia today where one of the fanzines is having a bit of a larff at the arrival of Micky Owen. Stoke v Man City today. Front cover of the Oatcake fanzine: 'Michael Owen finally signs for a big club.' — Daniel Taylor (@DTguardian) September 15, 2012 4.57pm BST Preamble Good afternoon and welcome to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-Sensational-Smashing-Super Saturday , an afternoon of Premier League action and alacrity that promises, in the vernacular of our down-under brethren, to be an absolute ripper. (A ripper is also a type of hot dog that is popular in New Jersey, don'tchaknow?) There is the unadulterated joy of watching Paul Lambert's Aston Villa side face Swansea as they continue their brave attempt to provide the world with the first ever football-based example of stage three simulacra (the Villa are off to their worst ever start to a Premier League campaign with the exception of 1997-98). There is also the felicity of watching Arsenal's well-drilled and organised defence (they have kept a clean sheet in their opening three league games for the first time since 1924/25, even with Vito Mannone in goal) take on plucky Southampton. But that's not where it ends football fans, oh no. In number-two-becomes-good-number-one shock Steve's Clarke's West Bromwich Albion are taking their fine form (this is their best start to a top flight season since 1978-79) to Fulham while Manchester United are looking forward to a hard-fought 2-0 win over Wigan. Other than that, there is not much else to really say about the fixtures today. Nope, nothing to be said. Not. A. Thing. *Drums fingers on desk* Oh wait. Hold on a second. How could I forget that? *Slaps palm on face and drags fingers down to chin* Boy, oh boy, that was silly of me. Isn't my face a Budwiser shade of red? Stoke are going to beat Man City with youknowwho getting the winner in the 96th minute. That fixture list in full: Arsenal v Southampton Aston Villa v Swansea City Fulham v West Bromwich Albion Man Utd v Wigan Athletic QPR v Chelsea Stoke City v Man City