Westminster digested

Cameron: OK, Ozzy, it's about time we sorted out these bankers' bonuses. Osborne: Must we? How about we just say no one should get more than a mill? Cameron: That sounds about right. It should stop the little people moaning. After all, It's hardly worth getting out of bed for that amount. RBS: One million? That's a bloody insult. How are we going to look our mates in the eye? Cameron: We all have to make sacrifices these days. RBS: Oh, all right then. We'll just give Stephen Hester £960K. Everyone: Let's get this straight. We own the bank, you've laid off hundreds of workers, the bank is still worth half what we paid for it and you need a million on top of your basic £1.2m salary or you'll down tools? Hester: It's mine, all mine. Milidee: At last an open goal that even I can't miss! Cameron: Obviously it's with deep regret that we had to give Stephen his bung but it was out of our hands, guv. Milidee: I shoot, I score … Hester: Sod it, Cameron. I'll bloody well let my kids starve, then, to save your skin. But you owe me. Cameron: Don't worry old bean. You'll still make loads from the other incentive schemes in your contract. And if you play your cards right there will be a K for you as there's one going spare. Fred the Shred: You what? Cameron: Nothing personal. We just need to throw the plebs some cake. Fred the Shred: On what grounds are you taking my knighthood away? Cameron: For bringing the honours system into disrepute. Fred the Shred: Since when has it ever been in repute? Cameron: Um … Fred the Shred: Take it, then. I've still got a £700K pension so what do I care? Every other banker: We bloody well care. If your K can go, so can ours! Cameron: Excuse me, I've just got to go and do a U-turn in Brussels … Every Tory: Now you really are having a laugh. Clegg: I can't believe it! Daddy is finally paying me some attention. I always knew he loved me really. Milidee: I score again! Everyone: Technically, that was an own goal. Milidee: Who cares? I need every point I can get.