Westminster digested

Cameron: All set, Cleggster? Remember not to mention all your atheist silliness when you meet the pope. Clegg: Actually, Daddy, I'm rapidly coming round to thinking there might be a God thingy after all. Cameron: Marvellous news, old chap. I knew you'd convert in the end if you hung around with me for long enough. Clegg: It's Vince who has talked me round. He keeps saying it's a total miracle that I've got away with it so far. Cameron: I can see where he's coming from . . . So what are you going to talk to the pope about? Clegg: I rather thought we could eradicate world poverty in our 10 minutes. Cameron: Uh, yes . . . Now look, old bean, I don't want to disappoint you, but that job I gave you as our spokesman to the UN on world poverty . . . It's actually a non-job. Just like your current one. It's one of those jobs where we pretend to really, really care, and make a whole load of promises we've no intention of keeping. Clegg: But I do really care about the little people, the dispossessed, the soon-to-be-out-of-work. Osborne: People like you, loser. Cameron: Now, now, Ozzy . . . It's good to see there's at least one thing the Cleggster cares about. After all, he doesn't give a shit about his own party's policies. Clegg: Yeah and I, like, so want to help the least well-off countries, Daddy, and I really do think the rich countries should support the poor. Osborne: That's a totally brilliant idea. Because by the time I've finished, three-quarters of Britain will be on the breadline, and with your scheme we can get bailed out by Latvia. Cameron: This coalition is really going places! Cable: To hell . . . Talking of which, Nick, you must be really looking forward to our annual party get-together. Clegg: I thought the Tory conference was in a fortnight's time? Coulson: Have no fear, Persil Andy is here! Osborne: Did you find me any dirt on that bastard IDS? Coulson: Can anyone tell me if I'm going to be sacked or not? Cameron: If you're the one who's been hacking everyone's phone, why don't you tell us?