VfB Stuttgart v Bayern Munich - as it happened

Preamble: So, events having conspired to ruin the weekend's offering of trusty native footballing product, we here at the guardian are turning our attention to affairs continental in the form of this afternoon's Bundesliga match-up between sixth-placed Bayern Munich and second-from-bottom Stuttgart. This is something of a treat for me, as I rarely get to watch German domestic football – but it'll also be a case of learning on the job. I know, journalism's not what is used to be. But isn't that true of most things? I'll be back with teams, hopefully, in a jiffy, ahead of the 4.30pm start. Get strapped in. On second thoughts, if anyone out there has access to team information, please to feel free to contribute and I'll be (more than usually) in your debt. ESPN's coverage doesn't kick in until 4.30pm on the button, so the first few minutes could be shambolic even by usual standards ... Hastiliy scribbled down teams VfB Stuttgart: Ulreich, Delpierre, Molinaro, Tasci, Bicakcic, Trasch, Kuzmanovic, Boka, Gebhardt, Cacau, Pogrebnyak Bayern Munich: Butt, Tymoshchuk, Lahm, Breno, Contento, Van Bommel Ottl, Muller, Altintop, Ribery, Gomez Peep! Away we go. This is new Stuttgart coach Bruno Labbadia's first Bundesliga match in charge. Let's see he how he gets on ... 2 min: The home side are the first to go forward, with Cacau winning a free-kick that comes to nothing. Bayern are missing Bastian Schweinsteiger, who is injured, and the still-not-fit Arjen Robben. 3 min: Bayern, through Contento and Ribery, advance up the left wing but the move breaks down in the centre of the pitch. There's evidence of snow around the advertising hoardings but the Germans haven't let the pesky weather stop this game going ahead, no siree. 5 min: This is the last league game before the winter break in Germany, so an important one for both sides to keep the mood bouyant over Christmas. Bayern, who can go fifth with a win here, will have to settle for being outside the top four over the break for the first time in 16 years after their poor start to the season. 6 min: Hans-Jorg Butt is called into action, making a point-blank save after Bicaskcic (as I'm calling him but which is almost certainly not how you spell his name) got on the end of a free-kick into the box. He was all his own, the Stuttgart defender, but could only steer his header straight at the keeper. 8 min: Bayern probe through Ribery and then Lahm before Pogrebnyak commits a foul, handing the visitors a free-kick. That comes to nothing, however ... 10 min: Butt deflects over a fierce strike from Trasch – not an entirely convincing intervention, it has to be said, the ball flying off the keeper's forearm and away for a corner. Stuttgart then pack the box for the set-piece but the ball won't fall for an attacking player and Bayern clear. 13 min: The arts and architectural movement Bauhaus appears to be being advertised around the sides of the pitch, which goes to show just how far English football has to come. Thomas Muller, someone else English football could learn from, combines in the area with Ribery before being teed up for a shot by Mario Gomez but Sven Ulreich is equal to it. 16 min: Anatoliy Tymoshchuk gets a yellow card for a late tackle which halts a Stuttgart attack. This has been a fairly even opening 15 minutes, with neither side able to get much of a foot on the ball so far. 18 min: A Bayern attack down the left comes undone when Ribery's body is not quite quick enough for his mind and he is unable to keep control of the ball after checking back against the Stuttgart right-back. The Frenchman then commits a foul, stretching in an attempt to retain possession. 20 min: Mark van Bommel, for it was he, commits his first foul of the evening. Cynical? Check. Late? Check. Cacau then fluffs a volley at the backpost after Bayern's Contento missed an attempted header clear. 21 min: And now Van Bommel goes down under an overzealous challenge. The biter bit. 22 min: Bayern are beginning to settle into their shape now, spreading the ball around the pitch between the midfield and defence in a manner that I would be tempted to describe as Arsenal-esque if it wasn't so patronising. 24 min: Tymoshchuk barges over Cacau but Bayern clear the set piece through Gomez, who was back defending, and Ribery is given space to skitter up the field. He comes back inside and the ball is worked across to Lahm bombing up from right-back ... but his low cross is straight into the arms of Ulreich. 26 min: Christian Gross, incidentally, was Labbadia's predecessor but one at the Mercedes-Benz Arena. I wonder if he turned up waving a ticket to the German underground when he he was unveiled ...? Not that I'm even aware if Stuttgart has a tube network. 29 min: A bit of niggle rears its head, as Hamit Altintop crunches into [unknown Stuttgart player]. That was after Pavel Pogrebnyak had been released on the edge of the Bayern box only for his shot to be blocked. GOAL! Stuttgart 0-1 Bayern Munich (Gomez 31) Mario Gomez finishes emphatically against his former club after being released by a simple Muller through ball. The German striker took a considered first touch before advancing on Ulreich and sweeping the ball high and into the net. 32 min: The goal, I'm sure you're eager to hear, came after a mistake from Stuttgart's young Bosnian debutant, Ermin Bicakcic, who gave the ball awya to Muller in midfield. And just when I was beginning to think that Stuttgart were holding their own reasonably well, given their league position. 33 min: Cacau goes down clutching his face after Gomez's hand flicked against it, rather in the manner in which you would apply moisturiser, or caress a lover. Cacau, after writhing a little, gets up, with only a little damage to his pride. GOAL! Stuttgart 0-2 Bayern Munich (Muller 36) Oh, come now, Stuttgart, that really is no way to defend. Gomez turns provider this time, chasing a long ball over the top on the left of the area. He appears to tread on it, rather than bring it under control, but his marker is completely foxed and Gomez is quickest to turn and feed the onrushing Muller, who squirrels his way between at least two defenders to stab home. 38 min: So that would be why Stuttgart are second from bottom, then. Bayern come forward again and a Ribery corner flies over the protagonists in the box to safety on the far side. Any thoughts on Stuttgart's predicament? I've got plenty but I'm keeping them close to my chest for now ... 40 min: Okay, so I've just realised that the wrong email address has been at the top of the page since I started. That's the reason I've had no correspondence ... So, email [email protected] rather than that guardian casual one (I'm currently locked out of that account, grumble, grumble). 42 min: Arthur Boka trips down the left for Stuttgart but is blocked by Lahm. Come on, don't stop emailing now I've put the proper address up there. GOAL! Stuttgart 0-3 Bayern Munich (Ribery 43) Well, that was a cracking finish from Ribery and I think this one may actually be all over. The French winger was given time and space on the left to cut inside before unleashing a tremendous right-foot strike into the top left corner of the goal. Peep! Peep!: And, refreshingly, given the delay for Cacau's play acting earlier, the referee plays exactly four seconds beyond the expected 45 minutes before blowing up for half-time. Post bag (yes, some of you are still reading!) "Am I the 1057th Germany-knowledgeable Guardian MBM reader to mention this?" wonders the doubtless lederhosen-clad Grahame Ash. No, you're actually the first, but do carry on. "Although I wish we could buy more wonderful Bauhaus articles (I have a copy of a Bauhaus table lamp beside me now), I'm sure they wouldn't be for sale in the pile-em-high DIY emporium who has misapparopriated their name. Still, thanks for bringing the original to everyone's attention. And keep on giving Van Bommel stick, no one deserves it more." So the German B&Q is called Bauhaus? Isn't that a bit like naming Halfords after the Brutalist movement? Christian Rohe has some learning for us: "Great to see some German football on the Guardian live ticker. Just a quick comment: The last games before the winter break will actually occur on Tuesday and Wednesday, when the third round of the German cup competition will be played. The most interesting fixture of that round is going to be, erm, Stuttgart v Bayern, which makes this game the second most repetitive thing these days after mulled wine with cinnamon. Also, expect Bruno Labbadia to enjoy some spectacular success with Stuttgart in the short run, just to become utterly hated by his players and dismissed by the club chairmen in about 12 months from now. Some things will always be the same." I don't know. I like mulled win with cinnamon. "3-0 or not," pipes up Philip Podolsky. "Van Gaal's got his finger firmly on the self-destruct button again, eh? Everyone who has watched his teams week in week out would know what an extraordinary tactical brain he possesses. Yet he always manages to eff things up on his way ou t: it's like, hey, what's up wiv dis guy?" I wish I could understand whatever language is being spoken in that clip, then I could appreciate Philip's point a little better. Still, when in Rome ... Peep! Peep! We're off again, and there's one change to each of the line-ups for me to relate: Daniel Pranjic is on for Bayern in place of Altintop. And Gebhardt makes way for Martin Harnik for the home side (with thanks to Andrew Wiese). 46 min: Oh, that's a bad miss! Cacau heads over from about five yards out after being left completely unmarked from a corner. Hang your head, son. GOAL! Stuttgart 1-3 Bayern Munich (Harnik 48) I was writing off Stuttgart after that Cacau miss (actually, I was writing them off sometime before that) but they're back in the game now thanks to Martin Harnik's close-range finish following Pogrebnyak's cross. GOAL! Stuttgart 1-4 Bayern Munich (Gomez 51) A howler from Sven Ulreich in the Stuttgart goal hands Bayern their three-goal cushion right back to them. Ribery's cross to the front post was not terribly devilish but Ulreich couldn't hold on to it and Gomez, having gambled, slammed home the loose ball. GOAL! Stuttgart 1-5 Bayern Munich (Gomez 54) Flip me, it's now five! Some more terrible defending from the home side gifts Gomez his hat-trick. Bayern attacked down the left again, through the roving Muller, but his dinked cross should have been claimed by Ulreich. Unfortunately a Stuttgart defender had other ideas, getting in the way and heading the ball straight back to Muller, who shot, Ulreich palmed the ball into the air and the lurking Gomez snapped up the chance. 56 min: Stuttgart hit the bar! This half has been end-to-end stuff as Stuttgart come close to cutting their deficit once again. First Pavel Pogrebnyak's header came back off the bar and then Butt blocked Boka's follow-up ... 57 min: Then Bayern go right back up the field and nearly bag a sixth! Ulreich reckoned he was fouled as he came off his line to claim the ball at Muller's feet but whatever the case, the ball squirmed loose and Muller played it across the goal from his reclining position forcing Stuttgart to concede a corner. 60 min: Given Nicholas's following email, and the nature of this game so far, this video is getting an airing . "Alan, your name begs the question ... well not really, but I always like saying that; anyways, how close is your MBM style to what one would expect Alan Partrdige's to be? Because I see the influence." I'd like to think I'm as Partridgean as it's possible to be without living in a Norwich B&B. 62 min: "I'm as big a fan of the German National Mannschaft (ooh er missus) as anyone," says Gary Naylor, "but watching German domestic football is like watching the SPL without the comedy refereeing isn't it?" Well, now you mention it, Gary ... GOAL! Stuttgart 2-5 Bayern Munich (Harnik 64) Harnik is given oodles of space on the right to stride through and drill the ball past Hans-Jorg Butt. I don't know if they miss the comedy refereeing with all this comedy defending on display. Is this really Germany? 67 min: Four goals in 20 minutes we've had here. Phew. Anyway, here's Gary Hickman from Stuttgart with a salient point: "Actually Labbadia did not replace Gross. That honour went to Jens Keller who managed to last about 3 months as apart from a 7-1 spanking of Mönchengladbach, he was in charge of a string of defeats was sacked last weekend after losing to Hamburg. Gross himself was only appointed last year parachuted in to save the season after a disastrous start by Markus Babbel, who himself was brought in a year before after a bad start by Armin Veh. So stability is one problem. But they sold Sami Khedira in the summer, and he was more important to the team than many people thought. They have now lost all control in midfield, and the defence is constantly under pressure (and wobbly)." Wobbly, you say? GOAL! Stuttgart 3-5 Bayern Munich (Gentner 69) Crikey, Stuttgart have scored again, this time directly from a cross! Christian Gentner, who only recently came on, whipped over a regulation delivery from the left, the ball swinging in towards goal ... but Butt completely missed it and it bounced into the corner of the net with nobody nearby. 72 min: This is turning into a wee cracker, as Stuttgart again go forward, with a shot being sent high and over the bar. Talking of the SPL, I wonder if we are going to see a Motherwell-Hibs type scoreline come the final whistle? 74 min: Jose Mourinho, of course, hates games like this – and despite the entertainment for the punter it's hard to say that the standard had been very high, particularly the defending. Still, I think it's better than the SPL. 76 min: Thank goodness the snow didn't put paid to this, eh? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Stuttgart won't get it back to all square, though. 78 min: Pogrebnyak is booked after bawling his complaint at the referee from a yard or two away, the official having given a free-kick against the Russian after a sliding tackle from Breno. At least I think the decision went against Pogrebnyak, as I can't see why he would otherwise have been so upset. 80 min: Ribery is now fouled from behind, eliciting a strangled cry from the winger. The temperature has just cooled a little here, with, thankfully, little goalmouth action in the last few minutes ... 82 min: Oh, no, we're back on the buffoon-like defending schtick. Lahm is caught in possession by the excellent Boka and his cutback finds Pogrebnyak in yards of space near the penalty spot. It's just behind him a touch, though, and he can only screw a low drive some way wide of Butt's right-hand post. 84 min: A good point about duopolies, and their absence from German football, courtesy of Michael Bird: "It's great to see Bundesliga action on the Guardian website, but the comparison to the SPL doesn't stand up because only two sides ever win the SPL, whereas in the last four years the Bundesliga has been won by Stuttgart and Wolfsburg as well as Munich, and at the mid-point of this season Dortmund are 10 points clear at the top - that's 14 points clear of Munich!" 85 min: Stuttgart haven't given up on this, perhaps because they too know what Philip Podolsky (half-time emails) knows. Pogrebnyak bursts through the middle but Tymoshchuk cleans up. 87 min: More evidence in the defence of the Bundesliga from Shyam Sandilya. "To watch one game in a league and pass a smartarse judgement on it is as reasonable as watching a Gerrard 40 yarder crash into goal and calling him the best midfileder in the world ... Stick to Cricket, Naylor." Now, now, play nicely, folks. 90 min: See, I told you Stuttgart didn't have a point in them (tempts fate, crosses fingers). There'll be three minutes of added time. 90+1 min: Bayern look as if they're going to finally make the points safe with a sixth (how often do you get to type that) as the substitute David Alaba goes clean through ... but a late flag brings play back. Peep! Peep! Peep! That's it, Stuttgart couldn't force any further gains in the final couple of minutes, as Bayern staved off an embarrassing capitulation from 5-1 up. That was a lot of fun but I don't think it'll live in the memory as a classic, what with all the "after you" defending on display. Thanks for your emails, once I started receiving them, and apologies for not being able to use them all. As ever, let's give the final word to Gary Naylor: "I'm not watching the game - my prejudice is unsullied by evidence." I'm now off to cover the BBC Sports Personality awards, please do join if you've got the stomach for it ...