On the Couch with Peter Crouch? How about Mario Balotelli Tubbies?

This has happened, in real life: Sky has announced the pilot episode of a show called On the Couch with Peter Crouch. As in the footballer famous for being tall. Yes, it sounds like one of Alan Partridge's last-ditch stabs at a TV pitch – "Monkey Tennis?" "Inner-City Sumo?" "Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank?" – but somewhere in the bowels of the Sky TV building an executive heard those words, thought: "Hey, that rhymes!" and decided it was something people needed to see. Here are five more footballer-fronted shows we'd like to pitch to that particular commissioner: Paul Scholes 's School Polls The veteran Man Utd midfielder puts the week's big questions to a student vote. Happy B-Day with Papiss Cissé Senegal and Newcastle striker crashes some of the country's most intimate family birthday parties. Home Is Where Joe Hart Is The England goalkeeper spends a month under voluntary house arrest. Walcott's Walkouts England and Arsenal winger Theo Walcott travels the country disrupting local council meetings with flamboyant early exits. Ledley King and I Veteran Tottenham centre half meets Britain's most minor royalty. Mario Balotelli Tubbies Self-explanatory.