Saturday football clockwatch – as it happened

Just 10,740 minutes left to Christmas Day But you already knew that. Like the child in the John Lewis advert, you've been counting down for weeks - though hopefully not because you're looking forward to presenting your family with the crudely butchered remains of a family pet . So what better way to while away the next few hours than right here with me, taking in all the action from today's 3pm kick-offs in the Premier League? (And before you inundate me with your smart Alec replies about spending time with friends or playing outside with your children please remember that it's SNOW CHAOS out there ). Our line-up today includes a bottom-quarter-of-the-table set-to between Blackburn and West Brom, an intriguing match-up between Newcastle and Swansea and ... well ... why don't I just give you the full list? Blackburn v West Brom Everton v Norwich Fulham v Bolton Newcastle v Swansea Wolverhampton v Stoke 2pm: Right, why don't we get things rolling with an appropriately downbeat email: "I guess we have to get used to this type of Saturday," grumps Tom Wakeford. "None of the big teams will play because they'll be busy in the UEFA Cup. At least we have Stoke. This has to be the worst Saturday fixtures set ever?" Not sure about that, Tom - there have been weeks this season when we've had as few as three 3pm kick-offs on a Saturday . 2.05pm: Anyway, on to the football. The goals haven't exactly been flowing at Everton lately. In fact, David Moyes's team have failed to even register a shot on target in either of their last two games. The last team to do that? Hull City – though the lion's share of the credit should surely go to their then manager Phil Brown. The consecutive games in which they failed to test the opposing goalkeeper – against Aston Villa and Everton on 30 December 2008 and Everton on 10 January – came immediately after the infamous defeat to Manchester City, in which he had forced his players to stay out on the pitch for their half-time team-talk. 2.10pm: No early kick-offs in England today, but there is one in Scotland. Aberdeen lead Hibernian 1-0. 2.12pm: I've just been given a clementine. I'm told it's a clementine, rather than a satsuma, or a tangerine. Let's be honest, they're all just small oranges, aren't they? 2.17pm: The first of the team news is dribbling in. A couple of changes each for Wolves and Stoke, with Jamie O'Hara and Nenad Milijas in for the home team, while Fabrice Muamba and Nigel Reo-Coker are restored to the visitors' starting line-up. Wolves: Hennessey, Zubar, Berra, Johnson, Ward, Hunt, Henry, Milijaš, Jarvis, Doyle, Fletcher. Subs: De Vries, Stearman, Elokobi, Guedioura, Hammill, Forde, Ebanks-Blake. Stoke: Sorensen, Huth, Whelan, Wilson, Shawcross, Woodgate, Whitehead, Etherington, Shotton, Walters, Crouch. Subs: Begovic, Jones, Fuller, Pennant, Upson, Jerome, Palacios. 2.21pm: Magaye Gueye gets his first Premier League start up front for Everton as they seek to end the aforementioned dry run in front of goal. Drenthe and Rodwell are have been deemed fit enough only for the Everton bench for Everton, but Osman is straight back into the first XI. Norwich stick with the same team that beat Newcastle. Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Heitinga, Jagielka, Baines, Gueye, Neville, Fellaini, Osman, Cahill, Saha. Subs: Mucha, Bilyaletdinov, Drenthe, Stracqualursi, Distin, Rodwell, McAleny. Norwich: Ruddy, Naughton, Martin, Whitbread, Tierney, Crofts, Fox, Hoolahan, Surman, Morison, Holt. Subs: Rudd, Johnson, Jackson, Pilkington, Bennett, Barnett, Wilbraham. Referee: Lee Probert (Wiltshire) 2.27pm: Newcastle, meanwhile, will hope to get over that defeat with Cheick Tiote and Fabricio Coloccini both back in the side. Joe Allen and Danny Graham replace Luke Moore and Leroy Rita for Swansea. Newcastle: Krul, Simpson, Perch, Coloccini, Santon, Obertan, Cabaye, Tiote, Gutierrez, Best, Ba. Subs: Harper, Williamson, Ben Arfa, Abeid, Shola Ameobi, Sammy Ameobi, Vuckic. Swansea: Vorm, Richards, Williams, Caulker, Taylor, Routledge, Gower, Britton, Sinclair, Allen, Graham. Subs: Tremmel, Dyer, Dobbie, Monk, Lita, Moore, Agustien. Referee: Lee Mason (Lancashire) 2.33pm: Bobby Zamora is out for Fulham with knee-knack, so Andy Johnson starts up front. Seven changes for them in total, and plenty for Bolton, too, as Marcos Alonso, Fabrice Muamba and Nigel Reo-Coker are all brought back into the team. Fulham: Stockdale, Baird, Senderos, Hangeland, John Arne Riise, Ruiz, Murphy, Etuhu, Dempsey, Johnson, Dembele. Subs: Etheridge, Kelly, Orlando Sa, Gecov, Duff, Hughes, Frei. Bolton: Jaaskelainen, Boyata, Cahill, Knight, Alonso, Mark Davies, Muamba, Reo-Coker, Pratley, Kevin Davies, Klasnic. Subs: Bogdan, Steinsson, Robinson, Eagles, Sanli, Petrov, Ngog. Referee: Chris Foy (Merseyside) 2.40pm: Steve Kean Boooooooooo makes two changes - bringing in Steven Nzonzi and Ruben Rochina for Gael Givet and Michel Saldgado. Just one for Roy Hodgson - Paul Scharner replacing Jerome Thomas. Blackburn: Robinson, Lowe, Samba, Dann, Pedersen, Formica, Dunn, Nzonzi, Vukcevic, Rochina, Yakubu. Subs: Bunn, Petrovic, Blackman, Goodwillie, Roberts, Hanley, Henley. West Brom: Foster, Reid, McAuley, Olsson, Shorey, Morrison, Mulumbu, Scharner, Brunt, Odemwingie, Long. Subs: Fulop, Thomas, Dorrans, Dawson, Jones, Tamas, Cox. Referee: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear) 2.46pm: "While I would like to spend the next 120+ minutes reading this report, I have a problem," writes Alan Grove. "Namely, that I am supposed to be out buying Christmas presents for my family. Perhaps if your readers could help me compile a list of gifts for my wife (31), son (6), mother and father (late 50s), the corresponding time saved would make up for the lost shopping time? Seriously, I'm desperate here!" Inbetweeners movie DVD for your wife ; post-it notes for your son and Mario Balotelli hats for your parents . Anyone got better suggestions? 2.50pm: Aberdeen have beaten Hibernian 1-0. Fact. 2.56pm: One more emotional tribute to Gary Speed at St James's Park, with his wife Louise in attendance. A beautiful rendition of bread of Heaven is sung. Movings stuff. 2.58pm: My word that is a massive Christmas tree at Craven Cottage. 3pm: Away we go, as the games kick-off across the country. The thoretical clock showing the number of minutes since Everton last registered a shot on target resumes at 192. 3.02pm: "As there was no early kick-off I distracted myself with some Christmas shopping in the gap between breakfast and football, which usually isn't a gap at all," writes Philippa Booth. "Having said that, I hate Christmas shopping, so I may be trying too hard to look on the bright side. Not sure if it helps Alan Grove but I've bought a jar of chestnuts and a bottle of Muscat." 3.03pm: No attempts on target so far at Everton. Am I being impatient. There has been a goal in the Championship at Elland Road, though - Simon Church putting Reading a goal up against Leeds. 3.05pm: "Man you're so right, all this citrus hairsplitting just doesn't make sense," announces the very wise Philip Podolsky. "In Russian little oranges are known as 'mandarins', which is as many words as you need for them." 3.06pm: Quiet start across the Premier League grounds so far, though Allen just dragged a shot wide of the post from outside the D for Swansea. 3.07pm: SHOT ON TARGET FOR EVERTON Well, it was more of a poke than a shot, but it will go down in the stat books as an attempt on target - ending the dry run at 199 minutes by my count. The ball was played over from the left and then nodded down inside the box for Fellaini, though by the time he reached it Ruddy was already upon him, and all he could do was jab it straight into the goalkeeper's chest. 3.09pm: "I tried going Christmas shopping, became confused and bought a jar of chestnuts for Kevin Muscat," wails Ade Cooper as Gabriel Obertan performs 66 stepovers before going precisely nowhere down the right for Newcastle. "I don't even know Kevin Muscat (what if he doesn't like walnuts?). Send help!" 3.11pm: Blimey – now Everton have discovered this whole shooting lark they might have developed a taste for it. Leon Osman cuts in from the right and curls a shot past Ruddy, but Russell Martin is on hand to head it off the line. Promising start for David Moyes's team, but no goal as yet. 3.14pm: West Brom the better team so far at Ewood Park, even if there haven't been many chances to speak of. Meantime, Nick Parker has no time for Tom Wakeford's pessimism. "I don't know; mid-table could be in for a shake-up without the big clubs getting in the way," he toots. "Norwich have a lot to play for, ditto Swansea and Fulham. glass half full and all that. On the ball city!" 3.15pm: Penalty to Wolves! Matt Jarvis is brought down by Jonathan Woodgate - who was already on a yellow card and is rather lucky to avoid a second. 3.16pm: GOAL! Stephen Hunt converts from the spot - and it's Wolves 1-0 Stoke . 3.18pm: "Good God has nobody heard of amazon.co.uk (er, other retailers are available)," harrumphs Ryan Dunne as Peter Odemwingie squares a cross to precisely nobody. "Actually having to leave the house and brave the crazy crowds is SO 1999! Personally, I also find that ensuring one has no significant other post (say) November also helps prevents gift-buying stress." 3.19pm: It is very much all Everton at Goodison park, the hosts winning their 43rd corner of the day (give or take) - with the ball eventually worked back to Neville down the right. His low cross runs across the six yard box to Cahill, but he can't get quite enough behind his prod and the ball scoots on past the far post. 3.21pm: "Drat, I had the returning Landon Donovan in the office pool," sniffs Tracy Mohr in protest at Everton ending their shot-on-target drought . 3.24pm: Newcastle have hit the woodwork at St James's Park, Demba Ba's header coming back out off the post. 3.26pm: A rare counter-attack for Norwich at Everton, Steve Morison curling an effort over the bar - only to discover that the flag was up for offside anyway. 3.27pm: Demba Ba continues to be a thorn in Swansea's collective side, taking a pass with his back to goal about 10 yards out and swivelling to crash a shot goalwards, only to see it blocked by a defender. Here's David Baine's on Alan Groves's Christmas shopping: "Simple really. For the boy: anything with projectiles (personal preference: a catpult), parents: book them a weekend in some trendy hotel from the colour supplements (It's probably a pain in ther arse, but it's the thought that counts), wife: anything from Anne Summers (it usually convinces them you still love them. Could be a boomerang, though)." 3.29pm: GOAL! Oh Everton. After all that good work, they still go behind - Grant Holt holding off Heitinga far too easily on the edge of the six-yard box, before swivelling into the gap between him and another defender and sweeping his shot into the far corner of the net. A well taken goal, against the run of play: Everton 0-1 Norwich . 3.31pm: That's Grant Holt's sixth goal in eight league games. Not bad, not bad at all. "Holt's lack of movement really threw the Everton defence," chortles Philippa Booth. "They seemed prepared for someone who would get the ball and run somewhere else. Not prepared for the Holt ..." 3.34pm: GOAL! AND ANOTHER ONE! Blimey. No sooner has Clint Dempsey given Fulham the lead at home to Bolton - Clint Dempsey heading in off the post - than Bryan Ruiz extends it - lifting the ball over Jussi Jaaskelainen. Just like that, it's Fulham 2-0 Bolton . 3.36pm: I might have written Swansea a moment ago when I meant Norwich. And when I say *might*, I mean *did*. Sorry about that, fixed now. 3.38pm: Paul Merson just accused the fans at Goodison Park of going "Radio Rentals" - though as far as I can see they're mostly still all in the stadium. Anyway, Norwich seem to bet getting on top a bit since the goal. 3.40pm: Here's Gary Naylor: "Many Evertonians are puzzled about Bill Kenwright's inability to attract new investment and stand aside from chairmanship of the club. Given the emaciated squad and the plain fact that blue shirts are being worn by injured players, can it be that he's hoping to get a game some time after Christmas? I can see David Moyes playing centre-half in the FA Cup for sure - and he'd be better than David Luiz." 3.41pm: West Brom continue to look the more threatening team at Ewood Park, but Shane Long can only head over as he connects with a free-kick from the right. Probably because by the time the ball reached his head he was facing the wrong way. 3.42pm: Big saves at Craven Cottage and St James's Park - Stockdale plunging to his right to smother a Mark Davies effort while Vorm reacts sharply to deny Demba Ba (who else?) 3.44pm: Stoke also applying the pressure late on at Molineux - as first Etherington makes a mess of a volley inside the box, and then Berra appears at the last moment to steal the ball away just when it looked to be falling to Crouch a few yards out. 3.47pm: "I'm not sure I understand Alan Groves's sense of urgency regarding Christmas shopping," ponders Mark Elliott as half-time whistles go at Goodison Park and St James's Park. "Is he not aware there are no games scheduled in England next Saturday?" 3.49pm: And it's now half-time everywhere. Here are the scores. Back in a tick: Blackburn 0-0 West Brom Everton 0-1 Norwich Fulham 2-0 Bolton Newcastle 0-0 Swansea Wolves 1-0 Stoke 3.53pm: "For your spouse there is a rather easy way to make her very happy and not spend a lot of money," declares Matthew Carpenter, striding into the debate on Alan Groves's Christmas gifts. "Make a memory box. Find a nice Christmasy box/wrapping and some small X-mas envelopes. Inside twelve of them write down your favorite memory of her from 12 of the Christmases you've shared together. If you're clever you can put a thumbnail sized copy of a photo from that year. Then let her open one each day for the 12 days of Christmas. Maybe in the very last one you can include a pair of pearl earrings. She'll get all weepy happy." This sounds suspiciously like a piece of actual good advice, Matthew, though I would raise one issue: what if they haven't been together 12 years? 3.55pm: So here's a question for our British readers. Would Twiglets still exist if Christmas didn't? 3.57pm: IMPORTANT NEWS: My colleague Barry Glendenning is right this second manning the phones for the Guardian's charity Telethon . Call him on 02033534368. Preferably to make a donation. 4.01pm: Right, grab your Bovril and get back to your seat - the games are about to get back underway. "I didn't know you could get a boomerang in Ann Summers," honks Brynmor Pattison in response to David Baine . 4.03pm: Wolves v Stoke is the first of the Premier League games to get going again, and Mick McCarthy's side come flying out of the blocks, winning a corner almost immediately. It comes to nothing, though. 4.06pm: Simpson and Obertan exchange passes down the right for Newcastle, but when the latter puts the ball in for Ba (who else), the forward can't quite get his volley right. "Twiglets, like beer, are for life, not just for Christmas," insists Alistair Leadbetter. "I don't understand why I love Twiglets but loathe Marmite." To be fair, I love Marmite and am generally indifferent towards Twiglets. 4.08pm: West Brom continue to take the game to Blackburn, James Morrison feeding Paul Scharner as he races towards the Rovers area but the Austrian pulls his shot just wide of the far post. 4.10pm: GOAL! West Brom's goal arrives at last and what an absolute belter it is. Nzonzi was only able to half clear Brunt's corner from the right, and the ball fell right onto the boot of James Morrison lingering on thye edge of the D. He meets it with a savage volley - crashing the ball straight past Robinson into the top left corner of the net. Marvellous strike. Blackburn 0-1 West Brom . 4.12pm: That James Morrison goal was apparently the 1,000th Premier League goal of 2011. Richard Tunaley, meanwhile, has no time for my excuse-making on Alan Groves's behalf: "Not together for 12 years? Well... 12 lots of 2 years. 12 lots of 6 months. 12 lots of 3 months. 12 months. 12 days. 12 minutes ... Use your romantic imagination, tap into it and MAN UP!" 4.15pm GOAL! Stoke probably ought to be on 10 men at Molineux - Jonathan Woodgate lucky to avoid a second yellow card after giving away a penalty less than 15 minutes in (he has since been substituted) - but instead they find themselves level here early in the second half. From a free-kick Robert Huth crashes his shot goalwards but it takes a wicked deflection off Kevin Doyle on the way past Wayne Hennessey. Wolves 1-1 Stoke . 4.17pm: John Ruddy makes a top save to deny Osman - pushing his shot away at full stretch. Everton beginning to get on top again at Goodison Park. 4.20pm: "Yes!" yelps Michelle Neades. "Marmite is delicious but Twiglets are not. Why does everyone always assume that because you like one you must like the other?" Erm, do they? 4.23pm: Norwich's last clean sheet in the Premier League came in October 2004, according to Sky Sports News. If they manage one today they will certainly have much to thank Ruddy for after he looks sharp once again to deny Saha. 4.25pm: Owen Coyle has used up all three changes at Craven Cottage in a bid to turn things around, but it is Fulham who very nearly extend their lead - a slick team move finishing with Andy Johnson playing in Dempsey down by the corner of the six yard box, only for him to poke wide at the far post. 4.27pm: GOAL! A 99th career league goal for Peter Crouch, who stoops to head home at the far post for Stoke - who have completely turned things around at Molineux. Wolves 1-2 Stoke . 4.29pm: GOAL! My word - that is pure route one football of the highest order - Paul Robinson walloping the ball up from a free-kick just outside his own area to the edge of the West Brom box, where Christopher Samba heads it down across the area and his fellow centre-back Scott Dann pokes it in at the far post. Blackburn 1-1 West Brom . 4.32pm: "Strange - I was under the impression that twiglets are an all year round foodstuff," writes Jenny. "Are you sure you're not getting mixed up with Matchmakers? They are definitely Chrimbo specific." I was under the impression that Matchmakers were more of a mid-1990s specific foodstuff. 4.34pm: I'm still not quite over that Blackburn goal. What were Dann and Samba even doing up there? And my, what heft Robinson got on that punt upfield. Ireland 1990 would have been proud. 4.37pm: Unless I say otherwise, it's probably safe to assume at any given moment that Michel Vorm has just made a fantastic save. Still 0-0 at St James's Park. 4.38pm: GOAL! At last the goal arrives for Everton, and they have Royston Drenthe to thank (even if it won't be his name on the scoresheet). The Dutchman, who came on for Gueye about 10 minutes ago, slices in from the right and taking aim at the near corner. His shot would likely have been saved by Ruddy, but Osman sticks a toe out and redirects it at the last moment past the keeper, who had already gone to ground. Everton 1-1 Norwich . 4.41pm: "Oddly enough you can get Twiglets all year round at my local pub, except at Xmas when the landlord removes them to make way for seasonal offerings like, err, Ferrero Rocher and Pork Scratchings," tinkles Colin Young. "No, me neither." 4.43pm: It's definitely Royston Time at Goodison Park, where Drenthe now unleashes a wicked dipping shot from outside the box that flummoxes Ruddy but ricochets away off the keeper's thigh. 4.45pm: If Stoke win today, it would be the first time they have won consecutive away games in the top flight since September 1982. Right now it looks the most likely outcome. "Matchmakers were more a feature of Christmas than Twiglets," announces Ianto Brychan. "Do they still exist? I like the memory box idea but I'd imagine the longshots from the bushes most of the readers would include would be welcomed as evidence rather than as a thoughtful gift. I finished the Christmas shopping weeks ago and I'm toasting my forethought with rum and coffee. Smugness is a gift that keeps on giving." 4.47pm: GOAL! Just when the game appeared to be petering out at Ewood Park, Peter Odemwingie restores West Brom's lead with a blistering left-footed effort from the edge of the box. Blackburn 1-2 West Brom . 4.49pm: Steve Kean Boooooooooo is being booed. Again. Not that this comes as any great surprise. 4.50pm: The full-time whistle goes at Craven Cottage: Fulham 2-0 Bolton . 4.51pm: The final whistle goes at Goodison, and then Ewood Park moments later. Everton 1-1 Norwich . Blackburn 1-2 West Brom . 4.51pm: The final whistle goes at Goodison, and then Ewood Park moments later. Everton 1-1 Norwich . Blackburn 1-2 West Brom . 4.52pm: In fact, now all the Premier League games are finished. Here are those final scores: Blackburn 1-2 West Brom Everton 1-1 Norwich Fulham 2-0 Bolton Newcastle 0-0 Swansea Wolves 1-2 Stoke 4.55pm: A very happy afternoon, then, for West Brom, as well as for Stoke - who do indeed make it consecutive top-flight away wins for the first time since September 1982. Owen Coyle's troubles at Bolton deepen, though, and Everton surely won't be thrilled despite finally getting another goal. As for Swansea, they will be should be pretty happy with a draw at Newcastle, though they very much have Vorm to thank. 5pm: Right, that's it from me. I leave you with a note received roughly seven minutes ago from a Mr Alan Groves - "sent by Blackberry". "Buckled and went to shops. Regretting it." On his behalf, I shall thank you anyway for your suggestions. And also for reading. Do join my colleague Simon Burnton now for updates on Wigan v Chelsea . Good night.