Darling Companion? Try dogged by a sense of impending doom

Fans of serious dog movies have endured a lean few years since Marley & Me broke everyone's heart in 2008. Yes, there was Bolt, but that doesn't count because it was a cartoon. Yes, there was Hachi: A Dog's Tale , but that doesn't count because nobody actually paid to see it. And, yes, there was Marley & Me: the Puppy Years, but that doesn't count because you're not an idiot. But with Darling Companion, the serious dog movie might be about to make a comeback. It's named after a Johnny Cash song. It's directed by the man behind The Bodyguard . It stars a brace of surprisingly big-name actors. Everything about it suggests that you'll spend the entire third act crying and blowing snot up and down your sleeve. But what actually happens in Darling Companion? Let's comb through the trailer for clues. 1) The trailer opens with Diane Keaton finding something in a snowy layby. Whatever could it be? Well, it's a dog, obviously. I just spent two paragraphs talking exclusively about dogs. Of course it's going to be a dog. I'd guess that the dog will go on to become Keaton's darling companion, but I don't want to chance my arm too much at this early stage. 2) See? It's a dog. Never doubt me again. Anyway, even though the dog is all tatty and mangy-looking, Keaton immediately falls in love with it. She decides to take it home and presumably make it her darling companion. 3) Understandably, the dog is somewhat nonplussed at this. It's seen serious dog movies like this before, and it knows that the dog always dies at the end. Always. Sure, Diane Keaton might learn something valuable about the nature of existence from the experience, but the dog still dies. "Sod this", it thinks. "I'm getting out of here". 4) But it's too late. Keaton and her daughter – who, inexplicably, is Peggy from Mad Men – lasso the dog and drag it back to their house. Its fate is sealed. 5) The poor dog does everything it can to escape the clutches of the evil Keaton, including trying to flick medicated flea shampoo into her eyes. But she just laughs it off as an adorable doggy quirk. Slowly, the dog loses its fight. It resigns itself to a lingering third act death. 6) But then … salvation! During a walk in the woods with Keaton's husband, the dog spies a deer straying into its path. Its mind traces back to a YouTube video it once watched, where a dog chases some deer across a park to its owner's dismay, and it formulates a plan. 7) Quick as a flash, the dog bolts off after the deer. And, as suspected, Keaton's husband is too busy bellowing "OH JESUS CHRIST" and, for reasons he can't fully fathom, "FENTON!" to chase him. But all that matters is that the dog has made its getaway. It has escaped certain death. 8) And it's for good, too, because the dog has seen serious dog movies like this before. It knows Keaton will see the dog's absence as a showcase for her acting abilities, and that she'll be too busy pulling hammy faces to indicate her traumatised anguish ever to do a proper job of finding it. 9) The dog also knows that if it stays hidden for long enough, Keaton and her husband – who, inexplicably, is Kevin Kline – will realise how much they mean to each other. Maybe they were each other's darling companion after all. Maybe the dog was just a distraction. This is a win-win for everyone. Diane and Kevin have rekindled their love, and the dog doesn't have to die. Brilliant! 10) Except … wait. This is ominous. The last shot of the trailer shows the dog back at Keaton's house. There it is, sadly realising the numb futility of trying to escape the inevitable, as it glumly decides to check the NHS Direct website for the symptoms of dog leukaemia …