How to stay ahead of the pack at university

Staying on-trend at university is tricky: you've got to make it clear you're cooler than everyone else while not being so obtuse that people think you're a weirdo. The trick is a perfect balance of cynicism, sarcasm and second-hand clothes. Here is how to pull it off: Drink Black filter coffee with two added shots of espresso Band name to drop West coast old-school hip-hop crew Black Hippy Poster in your room A collage of your stop-and-search forms Dance Like no one's watching (so that everybody watches) Fresher's week conversation starters Disdain for everyone else at your uni, disdain for organised freshers' week, disdain for Ed Sheeran What to wear Caribbean gift-shop T-shirts ("The sun always shines in Antigua!"); 90s sportswear; Doc Martens that look like they survived Hiroshima What not to wear The holy trinity of abominable student fashion: Jack Wills, Superdry, Hollister Where to go out Bashment nights, karaoke bars, London When to go out Thursdays Do say "I just really hate students" Don't say "I'm thinking of running for Ents Officer" Students of Great Britain! Welcome to your brave new world A guide to student politics: protest or port-and-cheese? The dos and don'ts of student fashion Student fashion: a new look for less than £100 Student writers on the uncertain future