The dystopian Olympic opening ceremony that Britain deserves

What on earth has Danny Boyle been smoking? A spliff filled with PG Wodehouse's back catalogue and a DVD of the Teletubbies, by the looks of things. The director's Olympics opening ceremony , plans for which were unveiled this week, will feature a set of rolling fields, village cricket, a few flocks of sheep and a scale model of Glastonbury Tor. Trainspotting, it ain't. Frankly, something's missing. Where's the urban sprawl? What about the high-rises? Where's the miserable Britain that we know and love? Feeling shortchanged, g2 has designed its own alternative Olympics set. Gone is the pastoral idyll, and in its place is a dystopic vision of Cameron's Britain. Instead of green hills, we have the much-loathed Trinity Square car park at Gateshead (1) . A burned-out Tottenham (2) replaces Glastonbury Tor. Then there's London's Trellick Tower (3) , a monument to gentrification. A lorry (4) cruises past an NHS protest (5) , while a grey squirrel (6) is a better symbol of Britain than all those sheep. Out goes the Proms, and in comes Adele (7) , Labrinth (8) and the late, lamented Amy Winehouse (9) . The Sex Pistols' God Save the Queen flag (10) hangs above a copy of, er, g2 (11) . And finally: Robert Jay QC (12) . Is there anything more British than the Leveson inquiry ? What does your Britain look like? Build your alternative Olympic ceremony and send photos of your models to [email protected] , along with your name, address and daytime phone number. We will print the best ones next week. Pictures should ideally be 300 dpi and 1 mb. Please refer to: guardian.co.uk/terms