Everton v Newcastle United – as it happened!

7.00pm: Around the same time Sergio Agüero was ripping off his shirt, Joe Hart was doing the aeroplane and some foolish Manchester City fans were groping their way home through great big bubbles of tears, Everton supporters must have been wearing grins as broad as the Amazon during rainy season. The smiles had nothing to do with City winning ... hold on, you think that Amazon reference was an exaggeration don't you? But let's do the maths. There was 39,517 at the games so let's guesstimate and say there was about 35,000 there at the end each wearing a smile about three inches long. That's about 2.67 kilometers. So yes, you're right, it was an exaggeration but you get the point. Anyway, back to the game and the reason for the smiles. Just before the match Alan Pardew had the temerity to insinuate that his side were a cut above the Toffees – "Forget about Everton and Aston Villa, we've put ourselves in a similar position to Arsenal," he pooped – but boy, oh boy did he pay for that. Everton went out and tore Newcastle a new castle, quenching any glimmer of Champions-League hope the Magpies had and condemning them to the 10th circle of Dante's Hell, the Europa League. In the spirit of their sponsor's logo, Everton have not forgotten Pardew's words ("I wouldn't say there was a bit of an edge to the game on Monday, but I think it's a little bit disrespectful for someone to say something like that after one good season," said Big Phil Jagielka) so with fingers, toes, legs and arms crossed tonight's match might just have a spice of bite to it. Added to that is the fact that both of these sides kinda have a little something to prove – Everton need to demonstrate that that their excellent early season form is not a blip and Newcastle need to show that they can reproduce the football that thrilled us so last season. Which when you add it all together should make for a grand old game of footy. Excited? Delighted? I am. Woop! Woop! In team news, Newcastle's squad is more undernourished than the average American Apparel moody-mouthed model so a canon of injuries is something that Pardew could really have done without. Fabio Coloccini picked up some hamstring-gah! while doing his thing for Argentina and is not just doubtful for tonight's game but "extremely doubtful". Snuggling up with him on the injury couch to watch the match, whilst flicking between Frontline Police and Cherry Healey: How to get a Life, is Danny Simpson, Ryan Taylor and quite possibly Cheik Tioté. But worst of all for those who don the black and white stripes and call themselves followers of the institution that is Newcastle Football Club is the fact that Tim Krul – the man whose 15 clean sheets last season was a club record in a 38-game season – has severe elbow-ouch! and is extremely definitely out. He will (extremely probably) be replaced by Steve Harper. It was against Everton that Krul first got his chance to prove himself when he replaced an injured Harper so there is a nice sense of symmetry there for those of us who seek it. In Everton news, who ever thought that Darron Gibson being out of a side for a while would actually be thought of as something detrimental? Well, those of you who have being watching Everton for the last bit certainly would, but those of us who just rely on do-you-get-paid-for-this stereotypes certainly would not. Either way, out he is with thigh-twang! and that means the afroed excellence of Marouane Fellaini may have to play something of a deeper role, depending on who comes in as cover for Gibbo. Steven Jerome Pienaar may also be out with a thigh-eeek! but other than that the doctor is smiling because Everton have a clean bill of health. We will have the official teams just as soon as the wires cough them up but don't be shy sending in your predictions and any suggestions for some half-time music. 7.10pm: Here is those teams I promised you: Everton (4-4-1-1): Howard; Hibbert, Baines, Jagielka, Distin; Mirallas, Neville, Osman, Pienaar; Fellaini; Jelavic Subs: Mucha, Heitinga, Naismith, Gueye, Coleman, Anichebe, Duffy Newcastle (4-2-3-1): Harper; Perch, S.Taylor, Williamson, Santon; Anita, Gutierrez; Ben Arfa, Cabaye, Marveaux; Cissé. Subs: Elliot, Tavernier, Bigirimana, Gosling, Obertan, Shola Ameobi, Ba The man in the middle: Mike Jones No major surprises here except for the fact that Demba Ba is on bench. Bit of a defensive set-up that from Pardew which might just be an indicator that he is worried about the threat that Everton pose. For Everton, Hibbert shifts into the right back slot, Naismith shifts onto the bench, Phil Neville shifts to the middle alongside Osman and there is a first start for Mirallas. 7.17pm: That Relentless Energy drinks ad is cringeworthy isn't it? 7.22pm: There had been rumours about this happening but it is good to see that it has actually has. That's a very nice touch from Everton. 7.32pm: David Moyes is staring into the camera and chatting to the boys in the Sky Studios. He looks awkward, like he has been pulled in for a police line-up and feels guilty even though we know, he knows, the whole darn world knows, that he has never done anything wrong in his entire life. In the background, Wonderwall is banging around the four walls of Goodison Park. Can we all agree that the Ryan Adams' version is much better? Good. 7.38pm: Everton's finest Sean Moore has a respectful request. I'm not sure I can help him with this but we'll print the email anyway and see what happens. He says: Can the real Marouane Fellaini turns up tonight, and not the pale imitation who pranced around The Hawthorns the other week whilst I looked on aghast from my seat in the middle of the home supporters, much to the delight of the guy operating the 'Yam-Yam' Cam? It would also be nice if he would then go on to score a sublime hat-trick before pledging his long-term future to Everton. 7.41pm: Is anyone else ridiculously excited about watching Ben Arfa play tonight? 7.48pm: G-Bomb reckons it's "easy" to stop the Fellaini machine. Just stick a man on 'im, he offers. Easily said, of course, not so easily done. Without Tioté does the Newcastle midfield have a man who could do such a job? Hmmm, I ain't so sure. 7.52pm: Oliver Lewis is jumping on that Ben Arfa bandwagon with me. However, he also says he is splitting his time between that one and the one one labelled, Dreading Harper and Williamson. 7.55pm: As per usual, the two teams are led out by mascots but as mentioned earlier, one of them is wearing a Liverpool shirt and the other is wearing an Everton one. He ain't Heavy, is now being played around the ground and on the big screen there are pictures of all those that died at Hillsborough. The crowd applaud and this is definitely one of those moments when you need to need to wipe away a tear. Well done Everton. 1 min: Peeeeeeeeep! The whistle is blown, the ball is touched forward, and then back, and now we are underway. Everton are playing right to left. 2 mins: Ian Dickinson has a question re the photo above. "On the MBM photograph, is that actually Fellaini's brother or some wax simulacrum of Marouane? If the latter, is it not a little premature to bestow such a prestigious accolade on him?" To be honest Ian, I'm not so sure. 3 mins: Goalllllll! No, I am just pulling your tail. Nice play from Fellaini sees him doing a one-two and getting the ball back just inside the box. He shoots but Harper pushes it away. Jelavic comes crashing in, hits the ball, then the post . But his efforts goes to nothing as he was ruled offside. He really hit that post at some speed and the magic sponge looks like it has its work cut out for a moment but he is back up and running soon enough. 6 mins: Phil Neville does his best impression of Paul Scholes on Cissé and is booked for his troubles. No arguing with that one and he doesn't. 7 mins: Richard Hooker is harking back to our simulacrum chat from Saturday. Like it Richard, like it. Anyway, here's his email. Tell Ian Dickinson that that bloke next to Fellaini is definitely a second stage simulacrum. According to Baudrillard: The second stage is perversion of reality, this is where we come to believe the sign to be an unfaithful copy, which "masks and denatures" reality as an "evil appearance - it is of the order of maleficence". 9 mins: It has been all Everton so far. Not that there is much to report about that. 10 mins: Everton get their tiki-taka on down the right with some good work from Osman, Neville sweeps the ball out left and there is some more nice play from the Toffees. Pienaar is found in the box, unmarked, but his shot scares the corner flag more than Harper. 13 mins: Ben Stanley has been in touch: "If that bloke next to Fellaini is a second stage simulacrum of Fellaini, then he must also be a third stage simulacrum of Screech from Saved By The Bell." MBM confession No1: I watched an old episode of Saved By The Bell the other day on YouTube. 15 mins: Goalllllll! Everton 1-0 Newcastle (Baines, 15) Oh wow. This. Is. A. Goal. Baines plays the ball to Pienaar's feet, the South African international does the sweetest of flicks to return the ball and Banies crashes the ball past Harper in the Newcastle net. It had been coming. 18 mins: Everton are pushing Newcastle around like a school bully does to the maths nerd who carries his lunch in a biscuit tin. The latest attack comes via the boot of the debutant Mirallas who sweeps a shot just past the post of Harper's net. Harper would probably have preferred an easier comeback than this. 21 mins: 21 Minutes already! Where does it all go I ask you? Everton have a corner that comes to nothing but they manage to work an effort from it, once again via the boot of Mirallas. He plucks the ball from the air with the daintiest of touches and aims a shot goalward. Harper gets behind it and it comes to nothing. Newcastle are having an absolute shocker here, can't keep the ball, can't defend without looking nervous and can't get the ball from Everton. It could be a long night for them. 26 mins: Finally, Newcastle get their act together and put Everton under some pressure. A long-ish free-kick is floated into the box, the ball bounces about a bit and lands at the foot of Cissé. He smacks it across the goal but it goes wide of Howard's post. Still, it's something. 26 mins: Arran Ridley is worried, and so he should be as a Newcastle fan. Here he is explaining just why he is worried. I'm not sure what is more worrying as a Newcastle fan - the ineptitude of our performance so far or the fact that Gary Neville judging from his pre-match analysis seemed to have prepared better for this game in terms of tactical analysis than Newcastle have done. I'm going to plump for the ineptitude option. Anita has picked up a yellow by the way. 30 mins: Everton are having it so easy that even Jagielka looks like scoring (he hasn't scored for over a year me thinks). His shot from outside the box skims the outside of the post and the camera pans to Harper's face. He puffs out his cheeks. He knew he was beaten. 32 mins: The first mention of Cabaye by the Sky lads. Deary me. Ben Arfa ain't done much either. 34 mins: Ryan "I watch Keeping Up With Kardashians" Dunne has done the email thing. Here's his words: I have one eye on your MBM and the other on Keeping Up With Kardashians, for a doubly entertaining experience! Re: Saved by the Bell. It was no Dawson's Creek style quality drama, true, but this is surely the My Name is Joe of caffeine addiction. I must confess I don't remember this scene despite the Bell being one of my absolute favourites when I was a nipper. That and Mask. 36 mins: Anita, he of the earlier yellow card, has almost drawn Newcastle level but his shot is cleared off the line by Baines who is everywhere tonight. 38 mins: For those asking, the episode I watched was the final one when they are in high school and Jessie and AC Slater are organising the final dance – do the kids still call it a dance? – and Zac is trying to get back with Kelly. Did you know they also made a Saved By the Bell movie? A MOVIE! Has anyone seen this? 40 mins: Newcastle and Pardew are going to have do something at half-time because if it keeps on like this they haven't even a sliver of a hope. And just as I say that, Pienaar robs the ball just outside the box from Perch, he cuts inside to the box, Osman is in acres, acres!, but Pienaar goes for himself and curls it wide. Osman looks furious and he has every right to be. 42 mins: It's all a bit too much for Jelavic, who never really recovered from that earlier knock against the post. He goes off, an arm around the trainer, and Anichebe comes on in his place. Half-time: Three minutes of added on time come to nothing and Newcastle go into the break a goal down. It could, and should, have been a lot more for David Moyes' side but he will be happy enough with that performance. The half-time question comes courtesy of Paul Kerton. He says: I know Everton have started this season well but what has happened to Newcastle? They have imploded. Last year they could do no wrong. This year they can do no right. Anyone got a theory why? I reckon heads were turned but whatdoiknow? But there is also the Tioté shaped hole in front of the back four. that bit of bite he provides would gone down a storm in this match 9.00pm: Here's Matt Bridle's response to the half-time question: Pardew said he wanted us to be in tough in midfield, but we're getting picked out on the wings as a result. We are really really missing Tiote to free Cabaye up to pick passes. Also Marveaux needs to go. He's done nothing. Spot. On. 9.01pm: Back to the Saved by the Bell riff. Chris Brown, presumably not that Chris Brown, has this to say. I'm sure I'm not the first person to bring mention this [You are actually], but they actually made TWO Saved by the Bell movies, one where they go to Kelly's grandpa's hotel in Hawaii, the second where Zack and Kelly get married in Vegas. Yes I've seen both. No, I'm not ashamed to admit it. Two? Two! That is my day off taken care off. 45 mins: Peeeeeeeeeeep! And we are back. Already, there is some good news for Newcastle fans. Marveaux is off and Ba is on. In tactical things, Perch has gone to the middle and Anita has gone to right back. 46 mins: And we are back to more of the same from Everton. Pretty passing, controlling the tempo and attacking at will. 49 mins: Goallll! Everton 1-1 Newcastle (Ba, 49) Where on earth did that come from? My word. Cabaye, who was nowhere in the first half, robs the ball in the midfield, strides forward and plays the most sumptuous of passes into the path of Ba. He eases it past Howard with a first-time swish of his boot and it is game on. Pardew jumps from his seat and celebrates. 53 mins: Newcastle are back in this now and, all of a sudden, Everton look a bit shell-shocked. The contrast between these two sides from the previous half is startling, startling I tell you. Whatever Pardew said at half-time has got his side all fired up. 57 mins: Newcastle have their first corner of the game. It comes to nothing. David Moyes is standing on the touchline, hands on hips, and looking like he is going to nut the first person who looks at him the wrong way. That expression does not chance after some nice work by Baines down the left that, like the Newcastle corner, comes to nothing. 59 mins: Goalllllllll! No, again, I am pulling your leg. The ball is played into the Newcastle box – I missed by who I must confess – and Fellaini helps it home. Thinking he has put Everton into the lead once again, he celebrates. That celebration is short-lived however as the linesman's flag is pointing in a direction that no Everton fans wants it to be. 61 mins: No isn't that nice and all in the spirit of the Olympics and all that jazz? Anichebe and Harper go for the ball in the box and the referee pulls the Everton forward up for a referee but Harper tells the ref that Anichebe was just going for the ball. *Wipes away tear* 66 mins: David Moyes watch. He is getting angrier. And angrier. Saved By the Bell Watch (courtesy of Matt Dony): Saved By The Bell was, indeed, awesome, but does anyone else remember how insane some of the early details were? Zac had a remote controlled, life size cut out of Kelly in his bedroom that dropped out of the ceiling, Screech had a robot, it was as if they weren't entirely sure what sort of show it was going to be. Who doesn't have a life-size cut out of Kelly in their bedroom? 68 mins: Ooooooooooooh. Harper sprints out of his net, hoofs the ball as hard as he can and the ball lands at the feet of Ba. He is tracked by Distin who does well to ensure that the Newcastle striker does not get his shot off. One for the purists this. 72 mins: Speaking of life-size cut outs, I once sent my mum an Elvis one from Memphis. He was wearing a black, diamond encrusted jumpsuit. She left it in the kitchen and every morning I would come down, see it in the corner of my eye and jump out of my skin. 74 mins: Some excellent play from Fellaini down the left finds Pienaar near the corner of the box. He looks up and finds Osman who shoots first time but puts the ball the wrong side of the post. 78 mins: Santon gives Anichebe the smallest of nudges half way down the right hand side and gives away a needless free-kick. The ball is swung in by Hibbert and Jagielka heads the ball across to box to be met by the head of Anichebe who powers the ball at least a foot over the line. But the goal isn't given! While the Everton players complain, Ben Arfa breaks and is bearing down on goal but the referee, inexplicably, calls him back. Two very poor decisions there. 79 mins: That is two goals for Everton that should have stood in this half. Moyes will not be getting any happier. 84 mins: Things are getting tasty now. Feet are being left in. Words are being said. And yellows are being awarded. Fellaini is now the proud owner of one such card. So too is Shola Ameobi who came on as a sub for Ba just after all that furore. 88 mins: Goallllllllll! Everton 2-1 Newcastle (Anichebe, 88) That is no more than Everton deserved really. Pienaar plays the ball into the feet of Anichebe who turns like your average tutu-ed ballerina and fires the ball into the Newcastle net. That is game over ... oh no it isn't ... 90 mins: Goallllllllll! Everton 2-2 Newcastle (Ba, 90) ... because Ba has got his second of the night. A lovely punt from up the field from Williamson is chested down wonderfully by Ameobi on the edge of the box and Ba just rolls the ball under the on rushing Howard and into the net. Full time: Despite the four added-on minutes, there is not much to report. It ends all-square. There is a smattering of boos at the end which must be aimed at the referee for what was some poor decision making in the second half. That's it from me folks. Thanks for all your emails and Saved By the Bell chat. Have a nice night.