Pass notes No 2,902: Ambridge

Age: Very nearly 60. Appearance: The archetypal English village. Thatched cottages, duck pond, 13th-century church, picturesque yokels . . . Yokels? Don't you mean locals? These people shoot badgers, for God's sake! They hold ploughing competitions! They rustle Christmas trees! It's like Deliverance, but with fewer banjos. Hold on! That tree-rustling thingy is a plot line from The Archers . I knew I'd heard the name somewhere before. Shhhhhhhhhh. You're describing a fictional village! And I was just about to ask if there was anywhere to stay there over Christmas. I can recommend Grey Gables, with its fine restaurant, nicely spoken receptionist and luxury health spa. But go easy on the "fictional village" stuff. The soap's diamond jubilee is almost upon us, and fans will get very upset if we suggest the Grundys, Tuckers etc aren't real people. Like Father Christmas? Careful! We can't afford to alienate that valuable four- to seven-year-old demographic either. So where is this not at all imaginary location? On the banks of the totally existent Am, in the heart of the equally real Borsetshire. Its nearest neighbours are villages such as Penny Hassett and Loxley Barrett, but for shopping and evensong you're just a short drive from Felpersham, with its cathedral and department store. So Borsetshire's somewhere in the Midlands? That's it – south of Birmingham and sandwiched between Worcestershire and Warwickshire. Its absence from maps is a mystery, given that the BBC's been reporting on it since 2 January 1951. Reporting? Oh yeah. I've enjoyed the almost daily updates on bed-hopping and muck-spreading. But what else is there to do in Ambridge? There's a thriving amateur dramatics scene, and a lovely half-timbered pub that serves a fine pint of Shires. There's even a cybercafe of sorts, though the computers tend to be hogged by silver surfers. So Ambridge is really quite a forward-looking place? May I quote Ruth Archer? Please do. "Oh no." Do say: "Dum-di-dum-di-dum-di-dum." Don't say: "Ho-hum."