Westminster digested

Cameron: Now is not the time to have a referendum on Europe. Tory backbenchers: Why not? Cameron: Because everyone will vote to leave the EU and then my job will become even more impossible. Tory backbenchers: That's precisely why we want one. Cameron: Tough shit, oiks. It's a three-line whip, so jolly well do as I say or none of you will ever work for me again. Tory backbenchers: Up yours, posh boy. Cameron: I say, Hague. You're a prole. Talk some sense into them. Hague: I know I used to say how much I hated Europe but that was before I realised how close it was to Venezuela. Cameron: You tell them. Now excuse me while I nip over to Brussels to show those Euro Johnnies what's what ... Merkel: You are a total irrelevance. There is nothing you could say that any of us would find remotely interesting. Sarkozy: Would you believe it? A leader who is even vainer and more deluded than me. Clegg: Daddy, you were brilliant. Cameron: I rather think I was. Europe has just got to realise it can't do anything without our say so. Tory backbenchers: It's the other way round, you moron. Hilton: The little shits have turned you over. You're going to have to start being nice to them. Cameron: Do I have to? In my day, the staff knew their place. And that meant being seen and not heard. Oh, OK. When I said that anybody who voted in favour of a referendum would never work for me again, what I really meant was that they would never need to work for free again. And there is no greater sign of unity in a party than total disunity. Clegg: Does that mean I can talk to Angela, Daddy? Cameron: No. Milidee: Can I remind everyone that if the Labour party was in power and I was leader I don't really know what I would do about Europe either? Labour backbenchers: Unbelievable! There's no position from which he can't score a spectacular own goal. Cameron: What ho, Ozzy! We've got away with it again. Europe has even come up with a plan to save the pound! Osborne: Don't count on that lasting. Cable: Would it help if I paid my VAT? Clarke: No. But next time you're going down for life.