How to refuse a drink at Christmas

Middle-aged people are so self-conscious about refusing alcohol in social situations that they will often drive – or pretend to have driven – in order to have an excuse. During the socially fraught Christmas party season it's always advisable to have a legitimate-sounding reason to turn down a drink, but now the "I'm driving" ploy has been exposed ( thank you, Medical Research Council, which conducted the study ), what's needed are a few surefire excuses that will stop you getting served right away – no further questions asked: "No thanks. I get really racist after a few drinks." "Before I accept, I should warn you I brought a guitar with me." "I love drinking, but it doesn't half make me vomit." "Not for me, I have a flight to catch later on. No, I'm a pilot." "I know I don't look it, but I'm only 15. It's a long and deeply disturbing story." "A few more of these and I'll be ready to describe my unpublished novel to you!" "Just the one – I left my tiny children home alone with nothing but an angry dog and a gas fire for company." "I would, only I swallowed all these condoms full of drugs earlier." "Well, it breaches the terms of my Asbo, but what the hell – it's Christmas!"