Football transfer rumours: Chelsea to make £85m bid for Porto's Hulk

Let's start with Chelsea , who are looking to spend £85m on Porto striker Hulk . Nearly 100 long ones being waved around here, and yet has there ever been a more underwhelming opening to the Rumour Mill? Apart from yesterday's ? Hulk. But Arsenal are going on a shopping spree ! They want Ajax defender Jan Vertonghen ; Lille midfield man Eden Hazard ; Rennes midfielder (also a man) Yann M'Vila ; Borussia Dortmund's Mario Götze , who has just signed a new contract, although that's not knocked him off the list, mainly because England's top tabloid tittle-tattle merchants are too busy being hosed in the face on Twitter; perpetually unhappy Chelsea striker Daniel Sturridge ; and Blackburn's Steven Nzonzi . Sadly, Ocado have got heat. They can't fulfil this order. Manchester City (1880), Tottenham Hotspur (1884), Arsenal (1886), and M anchester United (1902) should show 150-year-old Notts County some effing respect, being nippers and all that, but they don't, and they plan to make off with keeper Fabian Speiss . Kids, eh? Wayne Rooney Edin Dzeko has gone postal in Basingstoke is on his way to Basingstoke Borussia Town Dortmund. Basingstoke police Manchester City want Robert Lewandowski in return. And to conclude the 398th entertainment-free Rumour Mill in a row, that run finally comes to a juddering halt, two short of the big 400, although we don't have the heart to put the brakes on ourselves. Over to you: England; Glenn Hoddle. Oh Rumour Mill Glenn! How could you!