The Russian trailer for Jack Reacher, explained

Reading this on mobile? Click here to view First, the bad news. This week it's been almost impossible to avoid the rumours and speculation about Tom Cruise's personal life that have sprung up in the wake of his impending divorce. It's been cheap, tawdry and only fitfully amusing. The good news, though, is that Cruise has responded to this in the best way possible – by releasing the first trailer for his new film Jack Reacher, so we can all remember what an indelible screen presence he has. There's other bad news, though. The Jack Reacher trailer that's been released is in Russian, so it's almost completely impossible to tell what the film is actually about. There's other good news, too – I'm going to try to work out what happens in the Jack Reacher trailer. One final bit of bad news – I don't speak a word of Russian. Still, how wrong can I be? 1) Most of the trailer's narration comes courtesy of this chap, who's found himself in hospital after being roughed up. Obviously, this has all been dubbed into Russian, so I'll have to take a guess at his monologue. This is my best guess. 2) "I saw Jack Reacher put a shirt on the other day. What a man he is. He's completely covered in scars. At least, I assume it was Jack Reacher. It might just as easily have been a plastic action figure that had been mauled by a dog. I can't remember. I'm in hospital." 3) "But boy oh boy, Jack Reacher sure is the manliest man I ever met. Once he smashed another man's head into a wall for no reason at all, other than because he was a man." 4) "And, wow, did Jack Reacher ever like to drive. He loved his car so much that, whenever he had to touch his gear stick, he'd stroke it." 5) "As much as he loved his car, though, Jack Reacher would never smile when he was driving it. Not once. He'd only drive that car with a very serious expression on his face. This is because Jack Reacher is not to be messed with. He's essentially too macho for words, is my point." 6) "Oh, sure, Jack Reacher loved the girls. Sometimes he'd pay them to just walk around his house in their underwear while he concentrated on the picture behind them as hard as he could. It might seem weird to you, but ignoring girls in order to stare at paintings is just what Jack did." 7) "And you didn't want to get on the wrong side of Jack Reacher, either. Annoy Jack Reacher and he'd drag you outside and stamp on you in the rain in an admittedly quite overwrought demonstration of his masculinity. But that was just Jack's way." 8) "Or sometimes he'd just run up behind you and smack you in the back of his head as hard as he could. Actually, now I come to mention it, Jack Reacher was kind of a twonk." 9) "And he'd only shoot the biggest gun he could find, too. To be honest, I thought he was probably overcompensating for something by laying on this alpha male rubbish so thick. You know, the more I think about Jack Reacher, the creepier he seems. And he owes me money." 10) "I mean, who stands in the middle of the road and punches people while pulling a face like a rabbit? That's not normal behaviour by any means. You know what? I got Jack Reacher completely wrong. He's quite a ninny. Sorry. Can I redo the first bit when the trailer's released in English?"