The Book of Eli: bad news Bible

THE BOOK OF ELI By PAUL MACINNES, with apologies to GARY WHITTA SCENE 1 Ext – 30 years in the future. Day. WIDESHOT of POST-APOCALYPTIC AMERICA, laid waste by a cataclysmic war that killed everyone save those involved in a Mad Max re-enactment. ZOOM into an underpass to reveal DENZEL WASHINGTON. He wears mirrored sunglasses and is beating up a group of leather-clad CYBERPUNKS, ALL WITHOUT HAVING TO MOVE – a distinct advantage for the middle-aged warrior. DENZEL WASHINGTON [slicing open a CYBERPUNK]: Back in the day, people had more than they needed. They had no idea what was truly precious. But then, the war tore a hole in the sky. Lemon-scented wipe? DENZEL OFFERS a KFC-branded wetwipe to a bloodied ADVERSARY. They NOD, acknowledging DENZEL'S fundamental human decency. DENZEL [garroting a member of ZZ TOP]: It is my job to deliver the book. Some people say the book caused the war. They say it had a great power over humanity. But what is the book? DENZEL SWIVELS, slowly, and KICKS a FAT MAN to the floor. DENZEL [to FAT MAN]: Wrong. The book is not the latest volume of memoirs from Richard Hammond. SCENE 2 No post-apocalyptic film is complete without its moments of comic relief, mostly done in the style of the old westerns with assorted eccentric yokels – The Book of Eli Wallach, if you will. This film is no different, except its yokels are classy. MICHAEL GAMBON: Well, spank me breeches if I ain't a cannibal! FRANCES DE LA TOUR: Shucks, you sure is right, pa! Lookie at me rotting teeth; they so damn bad they nearly English! Enter TOM WAITS, CARRYING a tray of honeyglazed mousemeat. TOM WAITS: Mousemeat, get yer luverly mousemeat! SCENE 3 Ext - the post-apocalyptic landscape, again. Day, again. DENZEL and young accomplice MILA KUNIS are crossing the desert, PURSUED SLOWLY by GARY OLDMAN. It's more of an AMBLE than a pursuit – but HE'S an old villain and he's doing his best. GARY OLDMAN: Gimme the book! Give it to me and I promise you all the mousemeat you can eat! DENZEL [to OLDMAN]: No chance! GARY OLDMAN [to DENZEL]: OK, howsabout I promise not to beat up another woman for the rest of this movie? MILA KUNIS [to DENZEL]: Not sure I entirely believe that. Oldman WHEEZES on his haunches for a bit. OLDMAN Oh, go on, give me the book. It's only the bloody Bible … DENZEL [TURNING ROUND as quickly as he is able]: How did you …?! Er … I cannot confirm or deny that. OLDMAN: Oh come on, you've been talking in tongues the entire bloody movie. Your name is Eli. You're perennially serene. You're a prophet carrying a Bible and I claim my five wetwipes. DENZEL: My wetwipes are mine own. OLDMAN: Jesus! Just give me the book! I need it to sedate the free-thinking adults of my town! DENZEL: Not so fast, you mouthpiece for the liberal elite. You may not be surprised to learn that I believe – as do the core demographic to which this film will be marketed – that the Bible is a force for good. OLDMAN: Huh. Like what? DENZEL: Oh, well, like, er, prayer … and neighbourliness … and mousemeat … Anyhoo, I gotta walk to San Francisco, put on a kaftan and press flesh with a ponytailed Malcolm McDowell. OLDMAN: I think our endings must have gotten mixed up. DENZEL: I cannot say. Denzel DONS his mirrored shades, POINTS his jaw magnetic north and starts WALKING. He does so very slowly. Three minutes later, he EXITS the shot.