Westminster digested

Salmond : I'm calling for a referendum on Scottish independence. Scotland : When? Salmond : In about four years or so. Scotland : Why so long? Salmond : Because I've no hope of winning and 2015 is a long way off. By then everyone will have forgotten it was me who wanted it and I can pretend I never thought it that good an idea. Cameron : Let me tell you, McSalmon, I will defend the Union to my dying day. Boris Johnson : Why do we care about the Jocks? They're even further away from London than the Scousers. Cameron : I'll tell you bloody well why, Bozza. I'm damned if I'm going to have to use a passport every time I want to go to my grice moor. My ghillie wouldn't let me hear the end of it. Clegg : I wouldn't give you a hard time, Daddy. Cameron : I meant my proper ghillie, silly billy. Clegg : Oh, please say you don't love him as much as you love me. David Mundell : You called, my chief? Everyone : Who the hell are you? Mundell : I'm the lone Scottish Tory MP. Cameron : We still have one? That's the most tremendous news. I must invite you to watch me shooting some day. Mundell : Well, you didn't invite me to become Scottish secretary of state. Michael Moore : Count yourself lucky. Everyone : Who the hell are you? Moore : See what I mean? I am the sodding secretary of state. If there's one thing the Scots hate more than a Tory it's a Lib Dem. Bozza : Well, I still can't think of anything the Scots are good at apart from curling. Cameron : I never said they were any use to us. Osborne : Quite right, Cams. We've spent all their North Sea oil money and they're even more broke than us. They are a liability. Cameron : It's just it would be awfully bad form to let them go. The Queen wouldn't like it. McSalmon might help himself to Balmoral. Balls : Do we know where Scotland is, O Man of the People? Milidee : Of course we do. I once went to the Edinburgh Festival. Huhne : I'd like to get lost in the Highlands right now. Cameron : I'd like you to get lost in the Highlands right now. Everyone : Mind how you drive. Police : We're watching you.