Tell us a joke then

Every summer I meet people who tell me they don't like air-conditioning. And I guess I see their point, because what is air-conditioning? It's just a definite solution to a problem. It's hot in here . . . click . . . now it's cool in here. Ooh, you're right, this does suck. It reminds me of that time I was hungry and I ate that food. That awful, satisfied feeling. – US comic Todd Barry – previously seen in Flight of the Conchords – chooses something he wrote "a long time ago" I, like most men, have a ratio of two-to-one nipples to genitalia. Unlike most men, I have three nipples. – Sketch group the Behemoth consists of John-Luke Roberts and Nadia Kamil All of my lovers have exactly the same thing in common . . . They're all slightly more attractive than a night bus. – Sara Pascoe has gone from Channel 4's Campus to her own live fringe show I slept on the streets last night. Fortunately, Mike Skinner is surprisingly comfy. – Kettering's James Acaster is making his Edinburgh debut this year My boyfriend's parents treat me like a daughter. In that they find it physically disgusting that I'm going out with their son. – Holly Walsh's fringe show tells the story of how she shattered her shoulder attempting to fly off Worthing pier My mate's a really bad actor. He got mugged and then had to audition to play himself in the Crimewatch reconstruction. He got Passerby No 2. – Isy Suttie is best known for her role as Dobby in Channel 4's Peep Show As an escapologist, my father struggled to make a living. – Phil Nichol is a previous winner of the Edinburgh comedy award My grandmother was recently beaten to death. By my grandad. Not as in, "with a stick". As in, "he died first". – Alex Horne used to be in BBC4's We Need Answers – now he's leading his own band, the Horne Section Ok, so there is this guy and he has this blindfold on, and I stand next to him wearing glasses, but these glasses have a little hole that I place a stick in with a bucket on the end. I swing my head and a little ball pops out of the bucket and I try to swing it back into the bucket. The guy has no idea that this is happening. I guess you have to be there, really. – Mime artist The Boy With Tape on His Face describes his favourite joke "I came into my mother's life very quickly, which is apparently how my father came into her." – Diane Spencer is proud to share her name with the queen of our hearts I had a second job interview at this place. I don't think they wanted to interview me twice, I think they wanted to see if I had two suits. – Hannibal Buress is a stand-up and writer on 30 Rock Catch Isy Suttie's daily festival diary from Monday, plus full reviews, news and interviews.