Westminster digested

Clegg : Please can I come on holiday with you, Daddy? Cameron : Not this time, Cleggster. Clegg : Oh, please let me. I've already bought a new bucket and spade. Cameron : How long do I have to sit on this God-awful beach in Ibiza surrounded by riff-raff? Craig Oliver : Only an hour or so, until you've been papped looking ordinary. Cameron : Well, do tell them to get a bend-on. All this man-of-the-people stuff is ruining my holiday. Clegg : Let me out! Let me out! Someone's locked me in the cupboard. Oliver : I can't help, dear boy. Clegg : I want my Daddy. Oliver : It's your Daddy who locked you up, you moron. And he's taken the key. Lansley : Good God! I've seen better care homes than the Cleggster's kennel. The Dead : We never saw you at our care home. Lansley : Well I bloody well care deeply about the NHS. And now I've finished sitting on the naughty step, I want you to know I've been listening really, really hard and I will accept any change to my reforms so long as the principles of privatisation are maintained. Osborne : No one cares, Lanners. Cams has buggered off to the Med to get away from the Cleggster, so we're all demob happy. Join me in a game of Scrabble. Hague : Don't tell anyone else, but I've heard sire has gone to Venezuela. Damian Green : Ooh, er. Bit of a problem, chaps. It seems like I've let an awful lot of foreigners into the country by mistake. What shall I do? Hague : Bomb Peru. Osborne : Don't ask me. I've got a triple-letter space to use. Call Cams. Cameron : You've done what? My black man in Plymouth will go mad when he discovers that. Especially after I invited him to talk to Parliament last week. Green : That was the US president, my Lord. Cameron : Are you sure? He looked rather black to me. Green : He is black, your Grace. Cameron : What? So there were at least two black people in the country at the same time? Now run along and leave me alone. The butler is bringing me a mojito. Everyone : Does anyone know who is running the country? Cameron : Haven't a clue. Clegg : Let me out... Everyone : No.